Remembrance

August 16, 2012 § 1 Comment

I should be writing about something healthy. I should be better at keeping up with the 101 days of blogging challenge I signed up for. But truth be told, health hasn’t been top of mind the past few weeks, well not in the way of this challenge that is. More on that to come later…

Today all I can think about is my dad. I’m in Las Vegas visiting my grandmother. I was a bundle of nerves before coming here. I knew it was going to be hard to retrace the steps I so often took with my dad. We lived here for a while and I would come back and visit with him. Being in the same industry, there were always events here and sometimes we’d overlap on ones we went to. We’d go to those and tack on family time. Trips to Vegas always included a drive through Red Rock which my gram and I did today. It was bittersweet to say the least.

I love driving through Red Rock. It has to be one of my top 3 favorite things. I love feeling away from it all – escaped. It’s a place I’ve turned to over the years after hard times. I remember driving through here with my grandmother in college during a rough time. I distinctly remember how safe and free I felt. Like nothing in the world could harm me there. That’s the feeling I long for and why I return to Red Rock.

It was just February when my dad, mom, sister, and I took our last ride through here. It was after my grandfather’s funeral. Who would have ever thought nearly 90 days later we’d be at my dad’s funeral. Just craziness.

I’ve been waiting to feel my dad’s presence. Waiting for him to come to my dreams. But he hasn’t. Winding our way through the desert today, I wondered if he was looking down on us.

There’s not much purpose to this post other than to say, today is day 103 and the feeling just doesn’t seem to change. I wonder when things will be “normal”. I wonder when I won’t awake sad, missing my dad so much. I wonder when I’ll want to be in the kitchen again, when I’ll want to dream again, to be inspired. Only time will tell. I will say we get through our days better – that’s a given. But it’s a strange numbness that can’t be explained.

In the meantime, I’ll continue retracing our steps this week. I’m determined to make it back out to those mountains because one visit just isn’t enough…

(While the top two photos are taken with instagram, this one has no filter. That’s pure mother nature right there in all her stunning glory!)

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§ One Response to Remembrance

  • surreel1 says:

    when last in Vegas..we went to Red Rock too..We loved hiking and walking in those red mountains.. seeing climbers hanging onto the sides with thin ropes, but the right stuff to hold onto to hold them ‘up’ safely. Vanessa.. your Dad and Mom gave you the ‘right stuff’ to hang onto.. and thoughts of your Dad.. his life.. who he was and is.. what your Mom continues to be and do.. is holding you up, too.. along with our everpresent, loving God. I’m very sorry for what this year brought you all..it’s hard and was never expected. love ya, honey.

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