Saying Goodbye…And Hello

January 2, 2013 § 5 Comments

Hello friends! I meant to write on New Years Eve and then again on New Years Day – I was hoping to write some encouraging words to inspire you to start a vegan challenge if you haven’t already done so. But with the emotions I was feeling, I couldn’t focus on a vegan challenge and neither day could I find the words to express what I wanted to say. So I hope you’ll bear with me here. The words are still hard to come by as I have a whole mixture of emotions saying goodbye to 2012 and hello to 2013. Mostly I guess I am relived…

It seems like both yesterday and forever ago that we were in that cold, too-bright waiting room at the hospital. Waiting to learn my Dad’s fate. I remember leaving and barely being able to make it through that first night. I laid in bed at my parent’s home wondering how on earth we’d manage – literally reminding myself to breathe in and out and just make it through the night. Minutes turned to hours which turned to days and before I knew it, Daddy was buried – and gone forever.

As the weeks wore on I counted the days endlessly. Day 25…Day 78…Day 123… I remember wondering how long the counting would go on for – at what point would I stop? And then, out of nowhere, I did stop.

Just as I had counted those days – I remember wondering how we’d possibly make it through our “Year of Firsts”. We had many…

My first birthday without him – and then my Mom’s and sister’s and husband’s.

Our first fourth of July BBQ without him – where he would have been manning the grill and playing host.

My parent’s wedding anniversary – what would have been their 32nd.

Mother’s Day… Father’s Day… Halloween – his favorite holiday of all… Thanksgiving.

Then there were the real tough ones. His birthday on 12/21. He would have been 62. And then of course there was Christmas.

So needless to say with all these firsts, and hard ones at that, I didn’t expect to be totally knocked out by New Years. In fact I’d been looking forward to it. I even ordered New Years cards! Something I’ve never done. I was ready for 2013. Ready to give 2012 a big kick and watch it tumble away.

But when push came to shove, saying goodbye to 2012 wasn’t so easy. Welcoming 2013 – welcoming a year in which my Dad will have never lived – never smiled, never laughed, never sat on his back patio reading his iPad – welcoming this year meant he was gone and he wasn’t coming back. I so wanted to welcome 2013 with open arms – but I just couldn’t. I really truly wanted to make resolutions and goals and be excited – to watch the ball drop with anticipation and joy. But I couldn’t. And that was alright.

I didn’t jump up and down at New Years. I reflected. I peacefully said goodbye to 2012 with a light wave and looked toward the New Year. And as if nature knew I was going to be needing a little help – today marks 28 weeks of our pregnancy. Magically it seems the 12 week countdown begins and I need to get into “game-mode” and focus on finalizing all the details to welcome my precious little girl. Knowing I’ll be a mother soon has literally lit up my world. I’m awaiting my baby girl with open arms – ready to receive her and give her my entire life. Life is funny like that. It’s totally messy, but thank goodness for the mess. It’s what keeps us going.

Thanks for bearing with me as I’ve likely shared too much over the past 8 months and possibly today. But sharing here whether anyone is reading or not has been very helpful.

I wish you all a very happy, healthy, and prosperous 2013. And I will be back to hopefully inspire some of you to understake that 30 day vegan challenge! We will be starting the inspiration with…drumroll please…pancakes! Yes, pancakes so light and fluffy you may never make them with dairy or eggs again!




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§ 5 Responses to Saying Goodbye…And Hello

  • Debbie says:

    This is such a moving post. I think I was feeling much the same on New Year’s Eve as you described though my losses in 2012 were different. Your post gave me a little more perspective and hope for 2013.

    I hope your 2013 is filled with so much joy that next New Year’s Eve you will be as reluctant to let it go as you are excited for the possibilities the New Year holds.

    • Vanessa says:

      Thank you Debbie. I’m glad it helped you and I’m very sorry to hear about your losses in 2012. Wishing you a very happy, healthy 2013 as well!

  • Robbie Ford says:

    Wow…I never knew you were such a good writer! You spoke with such truth and from the heart that it made me cry. I could visualize everything you said. Remember one day you will see your dad in heaven just as I will see my mom. Book suggestion: Heaven is Real. I too look forward to seeing and holding your baby girl.

  • […] my somewhat slumpy start to 2013, the week picked up and I finally feel the rush of new activity, new beginnings, and possibilities. […]

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